Still believe Me...?

I once received the best news...I hadn't lost my left ear afterall

Friday, January 15, 2010

it has been a long time since i have written anything amazing on here! a lot has happened since then, as you can probably guess. i am now in my last semester of university (ever) - quite a daunting thought, but certainly exciting to think that this time next year i will be out in the real world doing adult related things, and by then i will be 23 - certainly time to stop going to school. that will be precisly 18 years of being in education...amazing really.

i am currently carrying out the labourious task of dissertation writing, although have procrastinated a lot, sarah and marielle spent about an hour measuring various parts of our bodies...hands, feet, height, head etc. was rather enjoyable.

anyway, the main reason i am writing this today is because it is january. And we all know what January means...New Year's Resolutions.
i have glanced over last years ramblings and have come to the conclusion that i have stuck to the majority of these. Have a few different ones this year though:
1. get a degree (not that hard really but i do want a 2:1 but we shall see how that goes)
2. find a job with prospects (yes this is adult talk, must at least attempt such things)
3. be more easy going with people close to me i.e. don't get stressed out if things happen that i don't particularly like
4. (related to three) make sure people know how i feel, don't wait until the last possible second to express myself - always ends in tears
5. come up with better resolutions next year. this, i feel, is a poor attempt at planning the life ahead. however i really dont know what is going to happen this year. I usually write resolutions with predictions in mind but this is a year of change so will just have to wait and see what kind of change is to come.

in other news lynne is all lovey dovey. I am pleased, maybe a little jealous, but pleased non-the-less. she is in the very early stages of relationship life...certainly something that i think creates some of the best feelings in life. Not that i dont think latter stages are a bad thing, there is just something about early stages which makes you internally smile allllll the time. It is actually a little annoying seeing lynne in this way but it is nice at the same time. maybe i should try to recreate this feeling in my life. i wonder how one would go about this, other than obviously getting a new boyfriend, which is not on my mind right now! hhmm i believe i am rambling and most definitely procrastinating furthur.
But i think i am worried. have been having certain conversations recently that have made me a little on edge and begin to wonder whether i am doing the right thing, which i still believe (despite the wondering) that i am. it is difficult to know what to do, what to say, how to act, whether to change anything. Everything in life is suddenly a lot more complicated than i ever expected it to be..or rather never really thought about it being. it has, almost, become awkward. Like i can't say certain things, do things, ask things, without the feeling that what i am doing is not right or is going to lead to something that i don't want - that im doing something wrong. I need to be constantly reassured that everything is ok. But that doesn't mean it always will be, and that prospect has never entered my head before. Maybe that shows my immaturaty in all life matters. Maybe i have stayed in school too long and this is what has happened to my brain.
I've always believed that when something is right then you just know it's right. I have always thought that this was right, but now I must doubt myself because I've been told otherwise. I always thought i followed my convictions in life, but maybe ive been wrong. I've always thought that I will always know what I want when I come to it, but I guess that is not the same for everyone, maybe that isn't the same for me.
I really don't know a lot right now but, as i keep telling myself, i must just go with it and see where it goes. that is all i can do. I just hope it goes as far as i want it to.

over and out.


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