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I once received the best news...I hadn't lost my left ear afterall

Sunday, April 01, 2012

the first ideas...

so here i am... a little on the tipsy side (which im sure is not new...) i have decided to share with you the '6 f's', which im hoping will be at the very least amusing if nothing else... this is my story of the epic if you ask me:

The Six F’s

Before I start to write what could go on to become a
‘best-seller’, I thought I should type a small introductory of my life as it
stands and a brief note of where ‘The Six F’s’ came from; for those who don’t
I am currently a 24 year old ‘girl’ (no-one likes the term ‘woman’)
who has spent the last 6 years chasing after a man. Following on and off
relationships, love, sex and arguments, the man breaks my heart for the
hundredth time and I finally, after a lot of thought and tears and ‘the world
is against me’ wine evenings, decide to take my life by the horns (ooer) and
sit up, grow up and begin all over again. Despite being only 24, the last few
years have pressed me to think about house buying, marriage and even babies.
This is not the time for ‘settling down’, this is the time to be alive and
kicking – I will not crumble into an incomprehensible state of a human being
anymore (unless absolutely plastered and doing an Ozzy Osbourne impersonation),
I will ignore the pangs of despair and the feeling of failure and the belief
that I am ‘over the hill’, beyond the ability to find a suitable man/ future husband,
and I will grow into a person much more ‘me’ than the person I have recently

The last couple of days have got me thinking, what has
happened to me over these years, and more importantly, where the hell have my
friends gone? Suddenly everyone is happily coupled up - long term partners,
engagements – and for what? We are young but all of sudden everyone seems so
concerned about growing up. And I was one of them. I was worried that time was
creeping up on me from around the corner and something had to be done to stop
it – coupledom, marriage, babies – bloody hell. However, I am no fool. I will
get over this and in the mean time I will write about the ‘Six F’s’, a phrase
that used to have such a significant place in my life before I reached the ripe
old age of 20, but was lost with the development of ‘grown up’ relationships,
dinner with couples and reading in bed with your boyfriend. It is now time to
get my life back on track, so here it is; I present it all to you…

The Six F’s

I would hate for this to be referred to as a guide to a
relationship, as it most definitely is not that. The Six F’s are so much more
than merely what happens during the coming together of man and woman and the
whole relationship cycle. They are, in fact, comical, humorous, a light-hearted
way to view the term ‘relationship’, which oddly enough does not contain the
letter ‘F’ whatsoever – it just goes to show that girl on boy relations can be
had without all that extra baggage…
The Six F’s are something I should have wanted to experience
again and again, they encompass that feeling you get when your stomach is all
churned up and you feel like a child waiting for Christmas and they should not
be cast aside after just ‘round two’. This is what I am searching for; this
will push me back to normalcy and prevent me from doing something ridiculous,
such as becoming pregnant, in order to beat my body clock…

F number 1:

The first ‘F’ on the list is ‘Find’. In order for the fun to
start you have to find a man to have the fun with. I spent a long time
‘finding’ my first real boyfriend (when I say real, I mean it wasn’t merely the
holding of hands, a quick kiss with tongues, and a stunted conversation),
someone I actually cared about, someone who I progressed with through the ‘Six
F’s’ without too much hassle and hardly any veering from the rules. By the time
I was 18 I was still without a boyfriend, and still without sex. To me, this
was verging on a small disaster (my fear of getting old had already started to
set in). I was clinging onto the edge of reality, whilst my feet dangled into
the tomb of a mini life-crisis. But thankfully Man 1 came along and was found really
without too much trouble; through the friend of a friend of a friend. I
remember that first night after initial finding as though it were yesterday. I
was so excited, so full of happiness that I was not going to become the little
old lady with a house full of cats who had never been kissed. I had been
kissed. My stomach had flipped with the excitement, my mouth was sore at the
edges from an overly keen tongue and my back was developing a large bruise
where I had accidently fallen onto a snooker cue in my first true moment of
delightful passion. He had been found. Like a long lost pair of favourite
underwear, which had got caught between drawers several years earlier and had
finally been released from its entrapment– the sense of relief was unbelievable.
Unfortunately at the same time as finding Man 1, I had also developed a liking
for Man 2 - shit. They were like a bloody bus. However in my new found state of
passionate ecstasy, and during the incident with the snooker cue, my feelings
for Man 2 were overridden and Man 1 won by (be it a fairly short) mile.
However, like I say, Man 2 was also ‘found’. He was always
there. Teetering on the verges of my life and gradually, gradually he enticed
me like a black widow, into his grasp…ok, ok, I may be overemphasising his
snake-like dexterity and fox-like cunning. But he was there. And I always
wanted him.

6 months later, my thoughts remained the same. Man 2 was
still there and Man 1 was on holiday…this was my chance. After a large
selection of alcoholic beverages, several games where drinking heavily seemed
to be the key rule and a small sing-song to welcome in the New Year, I finally
got around to properly ‘finding’ Man 2. It was brilliant, fantastic, my stomach
was churning and I came over all dizzy and this was not just because of my
excessive alcohol consumption. He was found. Life was beautiful. But Man 1 was
returning and he was returning soon, and this could not work. I was soon pushed
aside by Man 2. He was already telling me this could not work and we were not
yet even on to F number 2. Little did I know that 3 years down the line he
would have done this again and again and again and still I kept pursuing. The
‘F’s’ had become unstuck…I was sleeping with a man who I liked, I was chasing a
man who didn’t really want me, and I had to fairly quickly work my way through
the remaining F’s in order to get what I wanted. And so I continue…

(but that will be installment number 2...) xxx


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