today is the first time in ages that i have really felt writing a blog is what i need to do. Im going through a negative moment in life. i don't feel like going out, i hate the way i look, i don't feel comfortable around people, i want to stay in on my own and i want to go back home. i believe this is the 5th week blues....or something. im missing dan and the more i talk to him, the more i miss him. the other night i was talking to him on msn when i was slightly intoxicated and i was crying for no real reason. i am scared that things will not work out because i am so far away and one of us wont be able to do this. usually by this week at uni i will have gone home or will be going home very soon, i just dont think im used to being away for this long and i think it is just starting to hit me. i have started feeling sick a lot which seems to be what happens when i get nervous. i also dont like the fact that my ankle still gets swollen when i stand on it for too long and unfortunately the gym is the only place that i can go where i dont think about home and can exercise (which is what i really want to do) and kind of be happy. really happy. it makes me feel so much better and now it hurts to go running etc. i think it is this that is getting me down.

so yeah, home. he keeps telling me that he misses me but he loves me and will wait for me, why dont i believe this? why cant i fucking believe this....i get so angry and frustrated i just want a day to just see him, i cant explain this all that well...im upset now. thinking of all the weeks ahead, but i also dont want this experience to be hindered by this and i dont want it to be over quickly. its such a hard place to be. i think this is just an emotional few days and by monday it should be over with.
i find it so strange that for so long these posts were about me getting over him and going to america but i do think that deep down i knew that was never really going to happen. im in love with him..end of story.

i am really enjoying myself here. i just need to keep going to the gym and talking to homely people occassionally so that i keep myself sane. otherwise im bound to go crazy...

xxxx