F number 3:

Feel. This ‘F’ seems to encompass many situations. I
remember one particular incident with Man 2, during our Easter escapades when he
merely held my hand for the first time and I suddenly realised that a person
could fall in love right there, on the spot without so much as a warning. I
still get shivers down my spine remembering that first touch, a touch which
meant something and left a smile on my face that not even a nuclear disaster
could wipe away. However, I do not think the ‘F’ scale is all about holding
hands, I presume the third ‘F’ is largely more sordid and adult-like.
To feel somebody; meaning to feel somebody in places that
not many other people have been allowed to venture near. To feel somebody
underneath their clothes; this is what my 18 year old self wanted to do, this
is what my 18 year self believed would grant me entry into adulthood, and
eventually that time came. I could no longer put off what was inevitable.
Man 1 and I had gone over the second F again and again, it
was obviously and inevitably going to lead to something more. One evening,
after an afternoon of cider drinking and manic dancing, we ended up going off
together on our long walk home. This itself filled me with feelings of anxiety
but also excitement and anticipation with the realisation that this was
potentially going to be my first adult experience. The night was dark. In fact
it was very dark and by the time we got to the darkest field in the history of
man and a tongue was unexpectedly flung down my throat my anxieties were
realised…this was going to be an ADULT experience. I had been drinking, I was
alone (except for the obvious) and I had no idea what I was meant to be doing.
For all I knew I could have been taken advantage of! Anyway, like I say, my
mouth was starting to dry up due to slightly aggressive tongue waggling and I
was about to suggest we walk on further, when I was pulled in closer and suddenly
was faced with an abundance of hands venturing in all directions underneath my
clothes. They were going everywhere, and without my say so, yet in my moment of
complete and utter panic I remembered that, at times like these, such actions
should probably be reciprocated. My first moment of feeling the male anatomy
was probably far more peculiar than arousing and whilst I naively fondled his
manly areas at the same time as being poked at in the dark, I came to the
conclusion that this was not exactly my idea of a ‘good time’. But, it was my
first time. I was not frigid, I was not a freak, I could turn someone one.
Unfortunately for him I grew bored of this bizarre experience rather quickly,
wanting only to get home and relay this moment to my closest friends. So I left
him wanting more (so to speak), without too much realisation about what just
happened.
Such experiences did grow more frequent and perhaps not
quite as frustrating for Man 1, but I was still naïve and, to be perfectly
honest, so was he. Man 2 however became quite a different story. The first
three ‘F’s actually all occurred for the first time on that same fateful evening
of New Year. The specific act of ‘feeling’ happened whilst in bed that night
when wandering hands made their way across the top half of my body and then
slowly up my thighs. Having had quite a lot to drink, it took all of my effort
to grab the hands and push them back towards their rightful owner…once again I
had managed to leave a man in a state of tension, I was obviously cut out to be
a bit of a bitch!
But moving on…feeling is fun, once you know what you are
doing. It actually remained to be one of my favourite things; that whole
lingering and wanting but not quite getting have been some of my best
relationship moments, which I actually appreciate much more than the following
‘F’s. Maybe that is strange, maybe I’m odd, but these few pages of words are
meant to be about me describing what I want, doing what I want and being who I
am, so I do not care about my innocence in believing that the first few ‘F’s
are the best, that is just me. Just me.

Well, before I start a rant…the next ‘F’. I’m not exactly
sure how I will go about explaining this ‘F’ to you because (as you can
probably guess), these sections are steadily growing more scandalous and
although I do not wish for this writing to become a relationship guide, I would
also prefer for it not to become erotica either (although I may prefer the
latter). But here I go, to follow ‘feeling’ (and maybe the odd bit of fondling)…