Still believe Me...?

I once received the best news...I hadn't lost my left ear afterall

Thursday, March 04, 2010

im feeling down and out. couldn't sleep last night, cried a lot, and i think im ill. hhmmm not great on all accounts.

I got a phone call which i wasn't expecting telling me the fateful words...'we need to talk'. I hate these words, probably the four worst words in the history of the world. Well obviously they haven't settled too well with me. they are all i can now think about, which makes me want to cry again, and what is worse i must now continue as though everything is fine until i can go home and actually talk about this.
I wish i was home now to talk about it because the next two weeks are going to be long.
Im not sure why there should be a problem. I get angry for various reasons...i mainly get angry when ive been drinking but that is no excuse. I shouldn't get so wound up about things that are really not that trying to write a dissertation, do two essays, do a presentation and do all the other work in between, whilst going to the gym, keeping myself fed and go home on the 18th. this is a lot for me and i am feeling the pressure, to be honest i wasn't a hundred percent happy before the phonecall last night because my brain is so full of everything that i couldn't even relax in the bath and had to get out in order to send a email and sort out the beginning of paragraph 3. But im trying so hard just to get on with it, even though i feel ill, i will not let this beat me. I also have to potentially go out next thursday despite the fact i have no money whatsoever and right now people are not what i need (but then a lot can change in a week). And then on top of all this i am leaving uni, moving back home and having to find a job. Im scared. im so scared. I am going to live with my parents but obviously cant do that forever. I want to live with dan but obviously we argue - probably because i dnt know what else to do right now. i cant tell him things because he has so much on his mind that it isn't fair. My life is perfect so why must i fight it all the time.
I text him this morning, hopefully will get a reply at some point. I love him more than anything in the world and i wish life could be so easy for that to just work without having to think about it. i think i get scared of the future and i want him to be my future so somewhere along the line this doesn't really work. eugh its so complicated in my head. im scared that im not what he wants which makes me upset because i want him - maybe it is thoughts like this which make me realise that we really need to talk more.



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