Still believe Me...?

I once received the best news...I hadn't lost my left ear afterall

Monday, March 08, 2010

well im on here writing things again...the days are most certainly dragging and it's only monday. maybe i need to spend more time in the gym or somewhere to take my mind of life as it is right now. well, due to the fact that i am once again writing something on my blog space can only mean one thing...i am not happy.
I was reading through my blogs the other day and was reading the quite amusing things i once wrote about and realised that this blog has changed over the past six years (yes, six years) from one of cheerful, happy, amusing, and maybe slightly childish thoughts, to more thoughtful, tearful and maybe slightly mind-numbing ramblings about REAL life. i thought that maybe, as they are my words, this must represent me. i went from happy and fulfilled to relatively empty within the space of six years - that is a stark realisation to be faced with.
It's been 4 days, and im longing (for various things). Longing very very hard and knowing that the days aren't going to be going any faster and i have to get through another weekend yet. nothing else seems to matter right now, im not even concerned about thursdays seminar, which i am leading, and that would usually frighten me. I think im moving through the days without really thinking about anything else. I very much hope for everything to be ok, and i cant discuss this with other people as im meant to be getting on with life and dealing with each day as it comes. And its my problem, my immediate problem, and it is just one extra thing to think about. it's not to do with other people who have happy lives of their own to lead.

im not really sure what to do at the moment. this time last year i would have gone for a walk around the lake in the sun and it would have made me feel better, as it always did. Part of me wants to be back in America because everything seemed to run smoother there and going home and seeing people were such a novelty that nothing ever went wrong. Im scared that I cant do reality, maybe im meant to live apart from people as this makes everything more exciting and interesting etc etc. but, i dont want it to be like that. I want it to be forever, and i really mean that.

Well, that's enough of my pointless writings for the day, i must go and read and see if i don't get a phone call at some point. i just want everything to be ok, because I don't know if I could deal with it otherwise,which is ridiculous i know, but unfortunately true.



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