Still believe Me...?

I once received the best news...I hadn't lost my left ear afterall

Saturday, September 27, 2008

well I am 21!!!
feel exactly the same, and drinking suddenly doesnt seem as much fun as it is now legal!!
unfortunately my next big birthday will be 30....that is a highly depressing thought especially considering by that age i want to be married and have had a child!
i learnt yesterday of a new LA government iniciative: paying $1000 to poor women to be voluntarily sterilised. Now in Louisiana the majority of poor women are black, so is was we see a form of race control? and even if it is not race control then a form of class control? or is it that the patriarchal system in which we live in is so concerned about women's 'progress' in society that they feel the need for some other form of gender control?
basically i feel it is a ridiculous idea. and these ideas will never change within the american system purely because american politicians are all 'white' middle class republicans...even Barack Obama can be placed under this description, the only difference with him is that he is a little more open to new ideas. this may be a 'new' idea but it is so based under old views and stereotypes. nothing here will ever change, the world continuously travels backwards, it just appears to be changing, it changes but to a different form of social control, we will always be controlled. we will never be happy, if we were happy then there would be nothing for humanity to exist for.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

today is the first time in ages that i have really felt writing a blog is what i need to do. Im going through a negative moment in life. i don't feel like going out, i hate the way i look, i don't feel comfortable around people, i want to stay in on my own and i want to go back home. i believe this is the 5th week blues....or something. im missing dan and the more i talk to him, the more i miss him. the other night i was talking to him on msn when i was slightly intoxicated and i was crying for no real reason. i am scared that things will not work out because i am so far away and one of us wont be able to do this. usually by this week at uni i will have gone home or will be going home very soon, i just dont think im used to being away for this long and i think it is just starting to hit me. i have started feeling sick a lot which seems to be what happens when i get nervous. i also dont like the fact that my ankle still gets swollen when i stand on it for too long and unfortunately the gym is the only place that i can go where i dont think about home and can exercise (which is what i really want to do) and kind of be happy. really happy. it makes me feel so much better and now it hurts to go running etc. i think it is this that is getting me down.

so yeah, home. he keeps telling me that he misses me but he loves me and will wait for me, why dont i believe this? why cant i fucking believe this....i get so angry and frustrated i just want a day to just see him, i cant explain this all that upset now. thinking of all the weeks ahead, but i also dont want this experience to be hindered by this and i dont want it to be over quickly. its such a hard place to be. i think this is just an emotional few days and by monday it should be over with.
i find it so strange that for so long these posts were about me getting over him and going to america but i do think that deep down i knew that was never really going to happen. im in love with him..end of story.

i am really enjoying myself here. i just need to keep going to the gym and talking to homely people occassionally so that i keep myself sane. otherwise im bound to go crazy...


Tuesday, September 09, 2008

well it is september and 16 days until my birthday....yay! generally feeling altight about life at the moment as have classes to go to again since the hurricane aftermath has subsided!

allison is weird i have decided. in fact she is highly weird. she has the tv on loud all the time even if she is not watching it and then she watches some of the most bizarre things. she is also rather nocturnal and often sleeps until the early hours of the afternoon....highly annoying.

but yeah generally speaking, life is ok. i need to go out but as of yet nothing is open because so many places have no power and there is a curfew....eughph!

eugh she is weird....adverts are really not funny enough to laugh out loud to yourself....i hate sharing a room, i would suggest that it is the worst thing in the whole entire world!