Still believe Me...?

I once received the best news...I hadn't lost my left ear afterall

Friday, August 29, 2008

well it was the father's birthday today, so had to speak to the whoooole family on skype!!
I have just been doing some reading...i am back into the tedious role of working life, it sucks a lot.
I can see myself going through a rubbish period of keeping a blog as i am writing a real life diary while im here and so far so good!

there is a hurricane on the way. Hurricane Gustav in fact. Not scared, currently rather excited about the whole experience as have never witnessed a earthquake maybe, but not a hurricane!! it is pretty much a direct hit on New Orleans...oooer!!!

in other news, I am 'going out' with Dan again. I use inverted commas as I will not be actually going anywhere with him for quite some time yet, but i do think part of me feels much better knowing that i mean that much to someone despite being 5oo million miles away!

anyway, me being me has written a poem...

listen to the flowing water
falling over sandy stone
the skies above, a peaceful wonder
a thousand miles away from home.

cloudless sunshine beaming over
meadows of the greenest sea
yellow streams which burn the stillness
distant dreamers breaking free

wander through the misty skyline
watching heatwaves pass me by
living in a world of strangers
seeing from determined eyes

and while home waits across the water
nothing there will ever change
i wonder how a place like this one
can look so normal; act so strange

well that is about all for now! speak soon!


Wednesday, August 20, 2008

i have cried. i cried after talking to dan. i think i must realise that after all this time, maybe i do love him, maybe this is what i just need to accept. as hard as i try i can't get over him, and i know ive been waiting to for such a long time, maybe this is the time i need to just accept that is not going to happen.
I love him. end of story.

in other news i have discovered the power of the gym to let off some steam...and there is a lot of steam to let off since i am currently spending a fair amount of time rather bored, and because of this, a fair amount of time missing certain aspects of home life. but i am embracing this experience, and i love every moment of it immensly and despite it seeming a bit gay atm everything gets better!!!


Sunday, August 17, 2008

well i'm here!!! in the land of the jungle...!! very hot and steamy most of the time but currently without many americans!!!
am yet to really feel sad, i suppose i have generally been doing things a lot so haven't had too much time to think about home but still i am suprised at myself.
i do miss home a little tho but have decided to make the most of everyday and do things that i want to do and make friends with people i want to be friends with etc!!! cant wait until the american people get here...they are all so overly nice about the fact that i am english!!!
have made friends with some english people atm, most of them are not like me but i do intend to branch out when the place fills up a bit!!!
the time atm is going rather slowly so im hoping it will speed up a bit so that the days dont feel like they are dragging. i dont like dragging as it gives me more of a chance to think about home. i think keeping busy is the key to this experience!!

may as well stick to a habit of a lifetime...daniel, before i left decided to seriously, sobrely, emotionally say 'i love you' - properly meaning it and leaving me wondering what it would be like if i was still in the country. so maybe i have been a bit down recently, only out of curiosity - wondering if anything will ever happen again. but then strangely enough this all made it easier to leave...maybe ive just always been after something definite..some kind of acceptance...maybe i talk crap...


Monday, August 04, 2008

1 week left to go.

had a brill weekend, friday night at Lynne's, saturday spent at Vicky's, which was good - 10 people in one tent!!!
No sexytime to be had - currently having problems. problem A. Dan gets drunk and is annoying. B. He says things which i don't think i want to hear C. i was too tired for sexytime on both occasions, no matter what other people seem to think.

i have a lot on my mind regarding him (again)
he keeps apologising for everything he has ever done to upset me i.e breaking up with me, he keeps asking me not to go and saying sorry that he never told me he loved me. he now believes that i will never care about him with the same degree that he cares about me because there is a part of me that believes he will hurt me again (which i suppose is true)
but why tell me all this now? and he keeps getting upset - i really dont like seeing guys crying - this is so difficult. and i know that he says this when he drunk, but it has happened several times and one of these times, he had only drunk as much as me. i don't know what to believe, being drunk may mean that you become more honest but it also means that you may forget what you said
eughph, i know i keep saying it but it has gone on for far too long. going to america will help. i will find someone else and so will he. christmas will come and ill come home and we will just be friends again. someone stated at the weekend (probably james) that i could do far better than him, and the weird thing is i completely agree with that, but for the next week im perfectly happy not doing any better than him. ive known for a long time that returning to this frame of mind will not be good for my soul when i leave but that is my own fault.
part of me is dreading next monday, i really don't know how to say goodbye, but it was always going to come so we live with it and move onwards and upwards - this is where it all begins.

hopefully when i get there, my posts will stop being so much about one thing and will start describing all the wonderful things that i discover on my journey into the unknown...
i am still excited and can't wait to see what it is like...i always knew the leaving part would be the worst section of this expedition!!!