Still believe Me...?

I once received the best news...I hadn't lost my left ear afterall

Thursday, October 23, 2008

well im still here, in the land of the dull and boring. although it is less than nine weeks until i come home now, so always good!
I got my exam for women's studies back today - 100%, go me!!! i still can't quite get over just how easy it is is rather ridiculous!
im currently sat reading things for my African American women class - have been reading about a women who was taken from Africa and then forced to walk from New Orleans to Virginia when she was just 8 years has made me realise how lucky i am in life generally, it's incredible how bizarre the american life was and still is!
i was told yesterday, by the strange godly people who gather in free speech ally, that God hated homeosexuals...why are people soooo weird??? i just want to take them all on a little journey through the ways to be normal. it does get to me.
im hopefully going out this weekend to 'get my drink on' so to speak. although, a certain someone is being 'worried' about me. euuuuughhh whhhhhhhy??? what exactly am i going to do? im not just going to go off with some randomer...i think i have grown out of my days of getting with as many randomers in one night...although that was always a fun game to play! euuuuuugh why would i do that?????? it is quite annoying when you are not trusted by someone who you expect to trust you. obviously being away from home for so long is hard to do this....obviously just loving them is not good enough.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

well jess is feeling much better about life today. was sat in the sun this morning and decided that i am not here forever (as much as it may seem like it). i am allowed to not like it and im allowed to get upset but in the long run this is a life experience and i dont want my life experience to be a dull one.
i think i have come to realise that my search to find myself has gone in a bit of a circle. i have discovered that myself is much more attached to home than i ever believed or even hoped it could be. I went to uni and made friends with two girls who then preceeded to argue with each other and tell me both of their issues with the other girl. this then carried on so that they ended up arguing with me. it appears we are back to phase 2 of this circle. gemma and izzy have both today told me about their dislike for qualities the other person has and being the good, neutral person that i am i have listened to them both. i know so much about the two of them that i often wonder how much they know about me? maybe i still don't know enough about me, so how can i expect them to know anything? and so the circle goes on with (i believe) home in the centre. no matter how often i try and join into the circle, the centre will always drag me back in...much like a black hole (or something)...
anyways that is my analogy for today...
im feeling creative at the moment and still full from eating my body weight in food at dinner...i had about 5 courses wonder americans are obese, im still working off my food baby after 6 hours!!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

i have decided that 9 weeks is far too long to be away from home. I dont want to be here. this seems to be the general outlook of many of these posts recently. how im going to come back after xmas is beyond me. i came out here for the experience but so far my experience has not been a great deal of fun. I have fun when we go places, out of BR, i have fun when im drunk but these are rare occurances. i want them to happen more often, i need to go places and do things but i can't because i cant afford it and i have no access to a car. i feel stuck in a hole that i cant get out of. and i am stuck, i am stuck here for the year and as much as i go on about it, it is not going to change. this just makes me think that i am being ridiculous, how can i be so upset about something for so long when i know that being upset is not going to get me anywhere....only wanting to go home even more. and i dont want to share a room much so that i want to hurt her, i want to break her things and obliterate everything to do with her because she is awful and should not be allowed to exist.
why is life so messed up, how could i ever have thought this whole thing would be a good idea...anything is yet to seems nothing ever will. i cant even force myself to go 0ut and get wasted cos i no i have an exam tomoro and i should probably try and be awake for it....roll on saturday when i can get wasted and not give a toss about anything here or anything anywhere...i really hope i dont actually have some form of depression, after thinking all that outloud i am starting to worry myself!

Monday, October 13, 2008

how can someone be so rude?
it is not necessary to to turn the light on when you get home at 1am...i never do that. it is also not necessary to then turn the aircon on full. i thought we had reached a compromise evidently i was mistaken...why is it that i am unable to stand my ground. im going to blame it on my parents inability to bring me up with a bit of gumption about my person.
however, it is not their fault. it is her fault for being a rude and obnoxious mentalist who doesn't understand how to act like a normal person. how is it that i have managed to end up with the one american in the whole world who doesnt seem to care about other people? it just completely destroys my argument from the other day regarding my want for miserable people.

....i have come to the conclusion that being from England and growing up in its depressive culture, i am never going to be happy with anything. i really need to stop complaining about life and get a grip....i am forgetting that in reality life is never easy. there is a reason behind this experience. however, at the moment the only reason i can see is to increase my hatred towards the culture of the american people. i guess they were all outcasts at the beginning of the american time...they have just never grown out of this mentality!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

complacency is dangerous....

i miss home, a lot. getting angry at the american world and their stupid questions and accusing faces. hating the american culture really helps you appreciate home and as much as our government and our ways of life are sometimes questionable, there is no need for some of the things that go on here. segregation is still one hundred percent here, there are still hillbillies, backwards lifestyles and no-one understands you, especially if you are a liberal atheist. the novelty of being english wears off even for them once they have got to know us...then they just think we are a bit odd. 
i have become very patriotic towards my own country and all English people. I like the fact we are depressive, miserable and hate the world...i miss people who think like this...americans are far too happy about their lives which are even more screwed up than mine!