it is sunny, i have a sunburnt face, i have been at work all day and my feet are hurty hurty :( but looking out of the window is really rather a lot like being on holiday...the sound of the sea, the sun shining, little boats floating past...

as you can tell life is not all doom and gloom, there are still the moments of heartache and the continued longing from wanting to be with him, and hug him and hold his hand etc etc but i suppose you learnt to deal with this. what makes it easier is knowing that we are going on holiday and it was not all a waste, that and also knowing that we still seem to get on really well as friends despite it only a being a week since d-day and really hardly seeing him at all.

I have done sooo much exercise this week and have drunk hardly any alcohol...has been a bit of a detox! I need to start writing a holiday related list...also need to remind mum of the cadbury tickets we have to go for spa things...hmm stuff to do stuff to do! also must start revision, but at the moment with my legs feeling the way they do (about the collapse at any moment) and the tired feeling around my eyes after having to wake up at 6.45 on a sunday morning, i think i can skive the revision for a little bit longer :p

X

so it is now monday. i mope around and mope around and there is still no definitive answer anywhere in sight. i want dan. there is no doubting that i want dan. i want him with all my heart and not having him is breaking me inside. whether he broke up with me permenantly or not i would be devestated, so 'dragging it out' wont make it any worse. i will still be sad and cry and cry until i feel ill.

i love him so so much and wish that he loved me back. im clinging. im clinging on to the thought that maybe we can still go on holiday which i know looks extremely unlikely but i have to cling on to something that could be positive otherwise i dont know what i would do.

if i had to give up everything else for him i would, and that is no lie.
depressing, i know, but awfully true.

a letter to dan...

you break my heart. you break my heart as though it means nothing to you and you expect me to believe that you love me. i love you. i love you more than you will ever know because u are unwilling to try. you are unwilling to accept me, you are unwilling to accept how i feel. i wish so much that i could help you, help you decide what is right and wrong, make your decision for you and that is because i want you to be happy; but also i want me to be happy. i know you want to break up with me but at the same time dont want to hurt me, but unfortunately these two things do not come as one. so you have to decide, you have to decide how far it is you are willing to try. i would go to the ends of the earth and back for you, i would cry every tear god made over you, i would do everything you ever asked me to do, and i still think that would not be enough, nothing can be enough which is why you must decide. i know what i want...you. only you. there has never been anyone else. there have been opportunities for others, even recently, and all i have thought about is you, i can never be with someone the way i am with you. i believe all things happen for a reason and there is a reason me and you were together and maybe there is a reason we broke up, i am yet to find that reason, but the reason we are together is so that i can understand what love is. i can understand how much a person can mean to you. everything reminds me of you...songs on my ipod, stones on a beach, vodka, holidays, sun, snuggling, underwears, bikinis, laughter, friends, pubs, clevedon, sunsets, outings, football, everything...the list is endless, you are my life, you are in every part of my life, you will be hard to evict from my life. getting over you will be the hardest thing i ever have to do but i have to do that because that is what you want. you promised me one time that you would never put me through this pain again...i guess that was a lie...i guess you didnt know what would happen in the future. i never thought i could feel this way about anyone, you opened me up, and i thank you for that. in fact i can only thank you for being so amazing in my life and being part of everything i have gone through...america, university etc etc...i only hope that i have helped a small part in you life too. i do not wish to be a burden to you, i do not wish to be something elseyou have to deal with, you do not deserce that because you are amazing, you are so strong and loving and kind and everything someone would want, and i hope someday someone will help you realise this, im sorry that i couldnt do that.
i completely believe in you, i will think of you always, and loving you has never felt so perfect...i love you more than you will ever know... J xxxxxxxxxxxx