Jess got drunk, Jess got upset, Jess had to look after other drunkards and sleep at sjh's house despite wanting to be somewhere else.
all i wanted was to talk
why can it hurt so much to watch someone walk away when you haven't said goodbye to them-i just wanted to look at him and i couldn't without it potentially meaning something. its never going to mean something-unfortunately i would love it to....
i believe this could be where my problem lies.
x

i have been told i am hiding from the bad things in life, i have been told i should get out there and face the world and let it know that nothing gets to me and i should be happy happy smiley smiley. i believe i am being happy happy...just as long as i don't have to look at what made me less than smiley smiley. but heyho life goes on...i guess there are only so many places to hide and so many times you can avoid people, unless of course you move off the continent, which is coincidently what i intend to be doing in approx 8 months from now!!!
maybe it is pathetic that i have forced myself into this mindset....but then maybe i should become a nun....both are possibilities but both are also a bit far-fetched. pathetic is not the word (and neither is grumpy)
im stuck in a loop of hiding happy or facing angry...i suppose ive got on to angry now rather than just plain hurt. there is a plus side to everything

and everything happens for a reason...i need to get this.
xxx

am home, alive and thinking about revision...i am currently suprised at myself!!!
am looking forward to goings out on thurs and generally my xmas cheer is uplifting!!!
i am also gradually coming to terms to the idea of extreme cider drinking...40 pints and counting...good god think of my liver!!
xxxx

let me paint you a picture of my wonderful life...
i have suddenly been inspired by the wonderfulness that is the world-the tasty flavours of blackcurrant and apple squash and the delightful little round pieces of E number heaven that are M&M's.
i am sat at my lovely pink desk talking to anna via the great invention of MSN, am thinking about my evening of packing, bathing, eating pasta and reading the final 3 pages of a dreadfully boring opening to a book about democracy and the powers of the modern world. however i have kept in mind the wonderful, uplifting thought that i can go home tomorrow and dont have any more lectures this year :-)
my bedroom is not messy, i have the beginnings of a cold but am not letting that get me down, i am still obsessing over a certain someone but i am trying to rise above this and it will not ruin my christmas cheer.
so that is pretty much my life in all its glory. i am in awe of myself for being so cheerful and happy-it is evidently not a regular occurance but the world generally needs a few happy, thrilling thoughts now and again!!
i have finished my lovely snack and have to go to restart the internet and then write some birthday cards!!!
right off one goes to do some work....i can see it taking me an hour to read three pages, the art of procrastination never fails to amaze my o so simple mind!!!
merry christmas!!!

have been xmas shopping....biggest pain in the entire world.
i should now get down to some work before going out for an xmas meal avec the friendlys.
cant believe i am going home on fri...has come round quite quickly actually but it will also blow over quickly:-(
still unsure of how it will go (the whole xmas experience) but have found the state of mind that says don't care too much and have fun!! which is exactly what i want to do...have fun.
am now guna go work...with that frame of mind in mind...so to speak!!
xxx

need to tidy my room, prepare revision, prepare seminars etc etc but am not. tho it is only 10am and i have the whole day!!
have just eaten breakfast....am still feeling quite full from yesterday, which is utterly ridiculous-i think my stomach has actually expanded.
no one has done any washing up-i spend my whole morning yesterday doing all the washing up from the weekend and today i wake up and there is a mass pile of washing up again, just this time none of it is mine-eugh.
i have decided that this evening that i am guna do mass clean of the house and vacuum my room, the living room and the stairs. i am also guna clean the kitchen and finish any washing up that may be in there-with any luck someone may have done some washing up by then but im not holding my breath.
i am firstly guna tidy my desk and then clear my floor as there is paper everywhere in my room-essay remains and books etc. i need to go to the library today to get some books and do some photocopying i may go before my lecture-plan. then later i will go to badminton and do all this cleaning oh and iron my clothes to pack before i go home-wooo three days to go!!!
i think i may read a couple of pages of my text book first-off i go!!!
xxxx

i am tired and cold as the heating is not on.
i have been in my SU for 4 hours today drinking and eating etc. i thought i was going to throw up majorly at about 3.30 from over eating. i have just got hiccups a second ago-from this mass meal and this is about 5 hours later...i dont think i will be eating again til wednesday!!!
i have not done any work for days-i feel quite bad but then i dont actuly have to do any work as it is practically xmas tho do need to start preparing myself for revision!!yay.
just thought i would share this exciting news with the world...i am now going to talk to SJH and maybe write something thought provoking...as you do!! xxx

this is my 100th post!!
i was sat thinking about christmas and going home next weekend. im really excited about going home for three weeks and seeing everyone but it will only be a matter of time before im back here doing my exams and everything. and then come august il be off the america-LSU. am terrified but then it is an opportunity of a lifetime and i wouldnt miss it for the world but i am scared and everyday that goes by is one more day gone before i leave the country. scary scary thoughts. anyway, going home for xmas comes first. currently concerned about this-still unsure about my home going but i should just go with the flow and get over it. why is this presenting itself as being so difficult?maybe i get over next weekend and then life will all be fine again. i am currently feeling like im harbouring secrets. i dnt no how to express the way i feel about nething. its just so difficult-eugh.
love is a wonderful thing
talking of love-that is the true xmas message. love your friends and your family etc etc and remember those who can't do that. there is so much crap in the world that when i think of how much i make my heart and my head hurt with my own problems it makes me seem very shallow. im not shallow just concerned about my own happiness which i guess im entitled to-but who knows. i dont know. and i do think about these other people who live in third world/war torn countries but what can i physically do about that. i guess there are also those people in my own country who suffer all sorts of crap but i also cant do much about that on my own. maybe xmas day should be cancelled maybe the rich countries of the western world should spend their day helping others-a xmas day present for those who have nothing to celebrate.
but that wont happen in the selfish world we live in-people have to realise that 'an eye for an eye will make us all blind' (muhatma ghandi), i think that says it all.
well i intend to have an amazing xmas and party for all those who cant but also not forget that my happiness is only there at the expense of others-superficial happiness counts for the fact that i am shallow and superficial in myself-and the world goes round.
i need to think about buying my materialistic presents and practice my artificial smiles and thank yous and then get drunk. maybe that is why people get drunk at xmas-makes them feel better about themselves and lets them forget about the awful world that surrounds them. everyone does it and everyone has crap in their life. unfortunately the crap they think of revolves around themselves. maybe the bigger picture would make us all wasted or passed out. maybe drunkenness is all we want-a bit of xmas cheer.
maybe im asking for people to be wasted.
so lets get festive, lets listen to our xmas songs and lets love those who are close to us and maybe just forget those who are far away for one more year-but make those foolish promises at new year to help someone, to make the world a better place. no one is truely altruistic-lets not pretend we are.
maybe santa is too busy and can only visit those people in the western world who live in nice houses. but who is more sinful and 'bad', who doesnt deserve the presents-these first world families who a small child in the midst of war crying for a family?
so lets not get down at xmas...including myself....cos life here is a million times better than a life anywhere else.

unfortunately this was written for my own good proving my point about altruism and making a person feel better...i am now going to drink

not only guns brake hearts
xx