woo jess is going out tonight!!
currently not liking the housemates (nothing changes). someone has let mould grow in on of my glasses, which is disgusting and I am not touching it at all. if it is still there tomorrow i will be even furthur from impressed. they are also planning their friday night out with neil and i think are ordering some food based thing currently. i have not been invited to either of these events. but never mind, i may have to treck it to town on sat morn and im trying to get mass work done so then have a few weekends to spare!!!
can't wait til next week when finally my social life will emerge from the darkness and my rebellious side will be making it's way up the M42 etc to nottingham along with the lovely friendlies who i actually get along with.
always nice to feel appreciated!!
xxxxxx

i hate trains. have had to email enquiries and may also have to phone them which is rather gay. i must also type up lecture notes, eat lunch, go to sainsburys and do mass reading eugh everything is sooo highly annoying i can't even begin to express my sudden dissatisfaciton with life.
although in happier news...Lynne will be coming in a week and 3 days and counting and then we shalt be having a mass weekend of joyous and probably (knowing us lot) scandalous activity. one cannot wait!!!
xxxxx

hello
haven't written for a while and i suppose a few events have occured. i went out last night with two people on my course. we only went to the pub but it was rather entertaining. we drank a considerable amount of wine and cider and ended up playing pool. unfortunatly the pool table was situated highly inconviniently next to a dart board where a group of guys were playing darts. this prooved to be a bit of an issue as we often got in the way. thankfully i dont think i made too much of an idiot of myself as i actually potted three balls in a row-amazing i know!!! well we talked to these guys for a bit and ended up in a bit of an argument about the north/south divide-issues. i then went back to my friend Sarah's house to play guitar hero on PS2 which was rather comical as i have discovered i have very limited rhythmic knowledge :-s
i then discovered i had lost my gloves-highly highly bad as have lost loads of gloves recently. my father told me today he is going to get me one of those string things that goes through your coat so that in future i will be less likely to lose them!!!
i then came home and was tlking to SJH and Lynne via text until daniel phoned me. i then had a extensive convo with him which revolved around 'me and him'. he told me he is going to buy a two-bed house which he then went on to say he wanted to live in with me...interesting...and apparently he has changed his tune about going out with other women and actually said he wanted to get back together with me after america. but worry not, i am not taking any of this majorly seriously as he had been drinking, as had I. anyway this convo went on for ages, until mark decided he needed to go to the toilet (which was where dan was hiding). later on however i then started receiving texts of a mildly sexual nature which then evolved into 'naked' picture messages however i then turned the sound off my phone as it is v v loud and unfortunately fell asleep :-s i woke up at 7am with two missed calls and and two texts-all from daniel.
well the slight sexual tone of the messages continued then for about half an hour until i fell asleep again.
they have also worked there way into a bit of a text convo i have had with him this afternoon:-s
he still wants to take me out for lunch when he comes up here for vicky's bday and he has also suggested he sleeps in my bed but we will obv have to wait and see what happens on all accounts.
eugh i hate the fact he knows how to mess with my head and with many of the things he says i wish i could honestly believe him but i don't think i should for fear of being hurt which is something i don't want happening again. so all in all, am still not over him - gay and gay.
well in other news, Lynne is leaving the country atm, which is majorly upsetting cos i now have no one to talk to on msn about such life problems and other exciting things like cows etc!!!
anyhoo i must really get back to doing a bit of work now-have mass things to read!!!
xxxxx

Heath Ledger died yesterday-just thought i would write this down for future reference. why is it that all the fit men in the world are either suicidal or gay? there is really something wrong with that.
hhmm my feet hurt and i have a headache so may have to go watch some tv rather than do reading-i know which would be more constructive :-s i might actually go and look at essay titles for this year-a bit ahead myself i know but being prepared never hurt anyone, unlike walking a million miles which hurts your feet.
oooo am seeing victorium laters, am quite excited despite it meaning yet another treck to uni-the joys
xxxxx

i am cold-very very cold actually may have to wrap myself in a blanket to warm up a little!!!
i have been up since 7.30-very gay, so am guna get tired by the time of my second lecture of the day!! oh well i think i may watch some tv now and then have lunch. i have typed up some lecture notes and talked to anna!!!
that is basically my day so far. it is highly boring i know, but that is the way life goes-good days and bad, fun and boring etc etc. hhmm today is most definately boring. and cold.
xxx

i have been back at uni for four days. i don't want to be here. last night was ok-went to Mooch, had a couple of drinks, met up with James and Vix and ate Chinese but all this only emphasises the fact that i am not at home but hey, if i was at home this would mean getting a job, not getting drunk, not having hours and hours of spare time but then, to be honest, i am getting bored of my free time. and i know i shouldn't wish it away because the more i wish it away the more it will come back to haunt me and when i have piles of work to do i will wish i had more of it. i think what i want is free time at home, not here.
im currently listening to a CD which reminds me of christmas-which was amazing-and i guess it makes me a little sad to think that that is one more christmas over and next year...well, who knows where i'll be!!! i guess i should listen to it with a smile on my face as christmas was good, very good after the initial oceana disaster!!
i love the fact my blog focuses around home events....i need to stop this as am currently not at home!!! hmmmm uni related things...
there is so little to say except neil and kelly have decided to go on holiday this weekend to 'somewhere hot'-maybe i should suggest a steamroom (actuly an hour in our bath should do the trick, with the radiator on-i boiled to death earlier on)-they are clearly trying to be reckless, i have prooved to be not quite so exciting and have opted out of this for a week of lectures and seminars....where is my rebellious side?? i believe i left that well and truely in the capable hands of my 'home friends'....and in saying that i think i have found the solution to the rather one sided topic of my blogs!!!
home and uni; uni and home...i know where i would rather be and i know where i belong and believe me, no matter where i end up in the world something will always entice me back to me 'rebellious' side!!!
xxxxx

A train to the sky was all he wanted as he sat under the burning sun, the red light falling on his precious face. Dreaming of something he didn’t understand, or couldn’t comprehend. A life removed from pain and hurt and anger, full of hope and love. A train to the sky, filled with smiles and flowers rather than the desolate earth he was sat on. The cracked and broken, sandy earth where nothing grew and water failed to reach. A place where people move so quickly and lights sparkle with dazzling colours, where songs fill the air and clouds float with the people. His dark eyes watched as the sun rose in the vast emptiness of the sky. A lonesome cloud danced across the blue, without pity for his vacant eyes and hidden expression.
The same sky fills the air above New York a similar cloud twists and turns, mocking those who live below it. She watches it with and dreams of a train to the sky. A place where time stands still and people still care for others.A one way ticket on the train to the sky-there is no one destination, the sky is what you make it and the world can give you everything.


and that's all i wanted to say
xxx

well today has been enlightening so to speak. currently a tad annoyed dnt no why there is no reason for me to be annoyed. i think im annoyed at letting myself be part of a hareem for while for allowing myself to be an idiot and actually thinking that maybe i was in some little way a tiny bit important in someones life. but lo and behold i have been fooled. i guess obsessions don't die as easily as i first thought.
and yes maybe i should cut back on the bitchiness and my rather aggressive tone of voice and yes maybe i am reading way too far into this but i have been drinking strongbow and it is late at night(ish) and i am ever so slightly pissed off at the potential possibility of being 'second best'
but hey, i shalt get over this and once again become less self centred and more aware of the finer things in life which do not involve the male species...
lesbianisty...here i come.
xxxx

it does not take five hours (yes, five hours) to get a train from bristol to nottingham. that has been the most unconstructive day i have had for a long time (since sunday) and that is saying something.
i am currently slightly concerned about my exam tomoro as i have suddenly realised that my knowledge of...well, anything, does not stretch very far. it is at times like these when i think about the sorts of things that i may want to do with my life when i leave university. at the moment they are things that do not require any form of degree or a job that involves mass concentration because i am really not the sort of person who could cope with that!!!
i am overly tired and am going to set my wonderful alarm for 8am so that there is some hope i may get up and revise before my exam (which is at 1.30) oooo i need to check out my seat number....umm where was i, o yes exam tomorrow and revising. eugh just one more day and they are all over until june. thank the lord for that and i can watch tv and films and do tidying up etc until i scream with ecstacy (not in any sexual way (at all)) and pleasure in the fact i have nothing to do for several days.
i wish those several days started now.
xxxxxx

well, went to dan's and nothing happened. once again I am suprised however I think from now on i wont be going out expecting it which is probs an improvement however i do still want it. must however realise that if i did keep getting it then it would be very bad in the long term i.e. when he got a girlfriend, so being friends is the best thing. I actually enjoy his company/being with him having a laugh e.g. playing scene it and poker!! this is a good thing. he also told me that he liked being in bed with me the other day, just lying next to me for the company which is good to know as to be honest I think I felt the same. although i did cry on the way home, maybe because somewhere deep down I realise that maybe it actually is all over and maybe I still really don't want it to be but what can I do. I put on this front when im with him of acting like i don't care and keep saying that it can't happen and that it is ridiculous when all i want him to do is kiss me....which yes, is stupid and yes, i do need to stop thinking this and god i wish he felt the same and eughph im really starting to regress here...must stop talking... anyway now that is all out of my head...
i really have to go and pack as am getting the train back to the North tomoz. i also have to do mass revising tomoro eve and on the train and thurs morn-gay and gay but heyho tis not all bad!! i have actually been doing a bit here and there these last few days!!
rite well, off to do something constructive!!!
xxx

tum ti tum i have been hyper all day from lack of outsideness and doing nething more interesting than revision.
i am going to daniel's later tho currently he has been being a pain in the behind but heyho can deal with this. at least it gets me out of the house and away from working!!!
eugh am rather hungry currently may go try and steal some of the parentals tea in a min!!!
that is all...
xxxxx

the complexity of moderninity-how confusing my pending exam is becoming. today i have read up on the Gulf War. am now reading about being oneself. trying to be an individual and different from everyone however in doing this one seems to fall into a certain stereotype. therefore we must ask ourselves how far people go to become an individual? there is then the question of the 'community'. has the modern world with its large anonymous businesses and mass technology failed to accomodate for community spirit and polite conversation? has everyone become so insular that saying hello to your next door neighbour once in a while is considered a disruption? personnally i think most people have become to self-centred and content in just being themselves. maybe people are forgetting that it takes more than one person to make a change. being an individual takes up far too much of our time and maybe we should learn to be content with what we have. being different cannot be forced, if u r different then that is that. why do some people feel like they need to change themselves in order to fit in (or not to fit) with conventions? or does conformity, now, lead us into wanting to look and act alternatively to other people? maybe it is all just a backlash against the growing world of Burger King and Starbucks coffee-people becoming just as commodified and manufactured as the chain stores that appear from Seattle to Bejing.
but what is being an individual? can someone really be so different as to actually be noticed? in most cases I would say that the answer would be no however Im sure Muhattma Ghandi (amongst others) could be classed as being 'different' from many but he was not trying to be someone he was not. i think maybe that is the problem-too many idols and not enough personality.
A little self belief goes a long way....
xxx

why is it i manage to drink so much when i a at home??
last night i knocked back approx 10 pints of cider plus a little amount of tia maria...eeewww!!!we played scene it several million times, ate a variety of carbohydrates and played poker and snap with sjh's mother which was hilarious as she was more wasted than the rest of us.
i ended up in bed with daniel (surprising really) however stood my ground and actually nothing happened (aside from a bit of upper body fondling in the late hours of this morning). i was rather astonished i have to say as we both declared we wanted it but it couldn't happen-i believe i have turned into a responsible human being-this will never do!!! makes up for my early stupidity tho-i walked into the lounge and sat on the bed with martyn and declared very calmly that i was hammered and needed another beer (i really cant remember this happening)-why would i do this, i am an idiot i was wasted and couldn't really see straight!!!
anyway that was last nights antics i think i now need to go and die somewhere or throw up or similar. my stomach/liver really does not feel healthy. eugh kill me now!!
xxx

well am at home, getting a tad bored of my 'day of rest'. i am thinking about having a long shower/bath and was going to straighten hair but have realised that my straightners are at uni so will have to go with the natural messy hair look!!!
the train was ridiculously long yesterday, it seemed to take forever just to get to derby!!! i also had an emotional 5 mins (god knows why) and decided i didn't want to come home however i got over this and i am now here and all is fine and dandy!!!
going out tonight, going out tomorrow night...it's like xmas hasn't ended!!!
will be sure to keep you updated on life events!!
i may now go and read more of Belle De Jour, a fantastic book, if a little disturbing but slightly (and concerningly) arousing!!
over and out...
xxxx

i have an exam tomorrow afternoon and think I am full of knowledge regarding the history of American intellects from the beginning of time (1609ish) until 1917!!!
i have been updating my political knowledge recently incase i end up coming across any other debates regarding which side to be on in England. I appear to understand it a little more however i think alcohol is the general key to success on that matter.
i am once again lacking in concern about my exam, feel relaxed, contented, unworried etc etc and might even watch a film before bed. then have a lie in tomoz, mess around on the book of faces then casually stroll over to uni, sit and write for two hours and then get the train back to the homeland!!
in other political related news, Hilary Clinton won New Hampshire today/yesterday which is good as i have been telling possibly the less educated that i think she has a fair chance of winning the presidency so lets hope she keeps making these little comebacks otherwise i will look a bit silly!!
anyway that is all for now may go and watch Rancid as have been meaning to for ages!!
xxx

well, first exam starts in two and a half hours!!!
am feeling all perfectly ready for it, in fact can't wait to get it over and done with!!!
this is the easy exam of the week which is nice however it will then mean revising for the crap one on thurs!!!
tum ti tum going home in a couple of days-yay!!! don't know why am excited probs won't get up to much and i have to revise for final exam but heyho im sure i will go out once or twice if am lucky-more than i would do here!!!
may watch sex and the city in a mo to 'relax' my brain. why am i so unconcerned about this exam?? it is what is going to get me to America and my complacency is rather worrying. im hoping that my relatively uncaring attitude just means i am well prepared.
might go and skim over my Quebec notes again. the pros and cons of separation-not so massly clued up on this. however i could tell you all about the native canadian and the image of the trickster character etc. i could probs also give you a highly detailed overview of the play 'AlterNatives' having now read it a grand total of three times!!!
right, off to skim through Quebec and make an ever so creative (if slightly unhelpful) spider diagram. obviously only doing it because i have lovely coloured felt tip pens which i actuly love with extreme conviction!!!
xxxxx

back in notts briefly!!!
how long did it take for me to get bored-9 hours...this is not a good sign for the rest of the year. have given up on revision for today but at least i am feeling relatively confident about my tuesday exam!!! i am just a tad worried about thurs.
oh well, will be back home by the end of the week and can go out and have fun-much better than being here where life is dull, boring and very cold.
i will be suprised if i dont get hyperthermia!!!
i think im going through an emotional 5 mins...pos even a tad homesick and this will never do.
oh well, must not wish away the months cos they go fast enough as it is!!
xxxx

'strongbow challenge'-conjures up all sorts of ideas.
once again a late night was had after a rather spontaneous chinese takeaway at SJH's last night. i took two cans of strongbow and ended up devouring about 8-lovely. it was a rather entertaining night playing a three hour game of 'scene it'. once again it was the late crew that stayed until the bitter end (me, Lynne, SJH and Daniel) and as we (except Lynne) gradually grew drunker the conversation steadily got more and more obscure as we discussed British politics and the disgrace of immigration, the origins of words and language and the ins and outs of the group sex habits and how well endowed people are in the private body parts areas.
well this went on for a while and then we went to bed. Probs one of the best nights i have had in a long long time.
however, i did end up in bed with dan again...tho i am no longer suprised by this. i have suddenly come to face the idea that maybe he can be regarded as a 'fuck buddy' but there is a small flaw in that i am actually friends with him-very bad.
hhmm he also decided it was a good idea to take pictures of me in bed and then record himself, what he referred to as, a porn film (it really wasn't that bad) and i actually didn't mind.
hhmm what is happening to me? oh well just another daily saga in the lief of me....!!
this whole blog space appears to be turning into a bit of a soap opera....i am not going to be suprised if i fail my exams due to distinct lack of revision...i need to tone down my social life.
xxxx

should jess go out and chance a night out without Lynne?? should Jess be satisfied with the fact that she got chatted up by an Irish man who bought her a drink??should Jess go and do more revision as her exams are looming ever closer and she still does not feel like she could sit them just yet??
the answer to these questions is most probably yes. however the Irish man was ugly and without Lynne Jess will be lost. revision is also a good idea but one feels like having a bath.
however i shalt continue to suffer uncleanliness until this bloody book is read (once again) and i have made sufficient notes.
i have also remained quiet awake and alive for most of today, despite going out dressed like a pirate on the rough sea-holds me in good stead for tomorrow i believe, if i succumb to the doomed pastime of 'drinking'.
xxx

NEW YEAR

well i have left a bit of time to think over the drunken experiences of Christmas Meal. New Year's Eve came next. An evening, which was so long it may take me a while to remember all of the happenings and scandals etc etc. Arrived at destination at approximately 18:30 with Lynne and a car full of things-mainly alcohol (which was a bad sign). got there to find the friendlies playing darts, this called for a drink of (wait for it...) CIDER woohoo cider was drank and got rid of-this is always a plus. then a game of knock-out pool, which i have to say i did not lose, a small miracle with my track record of ball skills (no sexual inuendo intended).
Anna and myself then had an excitable few minutes whilst we watched the Spice Girls discuss their life so far, which we were mocked about by Jeff (he who spent sunday night watching darts in the pub when he was meant to be focusing on his son).
i then broke my bracelet which i have been wearing on the same wrist for four and a half years but got over this when Berti mended it (however it is now a little broken again, but fixable).
i think after this trauma we recreated last years stupid idea of 'shot creation', which involved a lot of baileys, archers, malibu, apple sours and orange squash. it did entertain for a while tho and proceeded to get us all a tad on the merry side. food was then needed and a couple of pizzas were devoured in about 5 mins however was still a tad on the peckish side :-s .
we then played a couple of games in the conservatory-girls vs boys and another game involving a box and a rather substantial amount of alcohol-the time seemed a lot later than it actually was (10.30).
after this, we chatted for a bit and then it was MIDNIGHT. i felt a tad too merry just beforehand and had to drink J2O in order to make it to this 'final hour'. we then drank champagne, danced in the living room with the older peoples and then escaped back to the kitchen to probably drink some more!!!
-so far i seem to have just been describing mass drunkenness but when i think about it, that is all New Year's appears to be about-i believe being at home is very bad for me as it is turning me into an alcoholic
anyways...
we then played Scene It (during which i fell asleep briefly) and ate much food such as spring rolls and sausages etc etc!!
after this, the night becomes slightly blurry and bizarre. Martyn decided it was a good idea to live up the name of the 'man whore', we were made to watch Meatloaf-always a bad bad sign, and i ended up sat on daniel. everyone went to bed, as did i (with him) and fell asleep in the early hours of the morning after having a sexual few hours.
the next day i stayed in bed for a long time partially to hide my humiliation and also because i was too ashamed to venture downstairs to face the eyes of the predators.
unfortunatly, 'getting over' is becoming less and less of an option in life and my closure has been somewhat invaded by my own stupidity. but as university reapproaches, everything seems a tad more bearable!!

Last year i created a list of new year's resolutions. i seem to believe that these have all been fulfilled, abided by etc etc, which is a great plus in life.
this year i will write some more
1. pass uni exams in order to get myself across the atlantic
2. get over-it would be a wonderful thing if this was possible and honestly by this time next year, if i am not over it, i will be seaking medical help if i have not gone for a long walk down a short pier
3. get myself to america in one piece and have a grand time-cos life is too short for me to mess this up
4. keep up with writing ramblings as the mind can only hold so much information, which is easily forgotten (unfortunately alcohol is a key culprit of this terrible amnesia)
5. learn a new life skill-so far have not thought of one but im sure one will come to me within the next year
6. keep in touch-with everyone in my life, making an effort not to forget people who don't always come to mind straight away
7. to stop being an idiot, or at least to stop regretting it when i am- how much of my time is being waste worring about things that in the grand scheme of things really don't matter (such as hiding from things or trying to escape the world for as long as possible)
8. learn a few new words so that my essays are not made up of 'however' and 'despite this'
9. write something worth reading-seriously
10. have a good year and try not to cry as much as the last one!!

Right well, i think i suddenly turned sentimental, definately not good for the constitution of my soul.
i need to continue with a bit of revision in a mo. currently my day has been rather productive, which makes a change-one has not been drunk, hungover, asleep, thinking that they are about to face demise....
Happy New Year

xxxxx

well what an eventful few days.
christmas was alright...same as every year. food, drink, presents...family day. Boxing day-went for a walk with lynne, got lost in a field pretty much in Churchill-we are stupid. fortunately i was with lynne who likes to think she remembers what sheep look like-unfortunately this is not the case and the sheep that 'looked familiar' were really quite different to the ones we had seen earlier!!!
went to vicky's house for a couple of days. it is in the middle of nowhere and is made up of about 12 people and a few ducks :-s. i do not believe she is overly keen about living there-and neither is james-problems occur, which thankfully i am too kind not to go into.
Friday Night-the evening of drunkeness. we ate our christmas meal at about 11pm-which was bad as we had been drinking since about 7 and so were rather merry. we opened our presents, suffered the painful experience of the 'group awards', during which i won the catagory of 'facebook addict' and then drank ourselves into oblivion. we played some drinking games, including ring of fire. this was probs not the best idea as it was, by this time, about 3am. only the hardcore people were left to continue with this, each one of us fairly defiant and quite bad losers, wanting to stay up as long as possible for fear of being tagged as not capable of mass drinking and consciousness. Martyn however did not last the last couple of hours and proceeded to pass out half naked and then throw up on Sarah's carpet.
I argued with Daniel about how rubbish he is in life generally, and quite embarrassingly told him of my inability to 'get over'. following this, 'getting on' appeared quite appropriate and i went to bed with him at 6.35am. thankfully the next day all seemed alright and i had found some sort of closure in my ever so confusing and hurtful life.
i felt a bit on the rough side but managed to get home in one piece and attempted to sleep before going out in the evening to watch DNA play at the Salthouse. Myself and Lynne were left without a home to go to but finally managed to persuade SJH to lend us her bed for the night, before which we had to experience a 'social gathering' at Dan's house that consisted of Martyn putting a pizza in the oven and letting it engulf the kitchen in smoke.
New Years Eve will be described in a separate post as i feel talking about too many drunken events in one go makes me appear like a binge drinker, and we certainly don't want that.
xxxx