it is sunday, the sun is sort of shining and i am eating custard creams...am off the library in a min tho, must get some exercise in today! obviously, as i am writing on here, feeling a little blue today. think it is partly because next weekend is fast approaching and i am scared of what easter has in store for me. but i must learn not to dwell on things that have yet to happen and things that are out of my control. however, i am still a little cautious about what is yet to come. i want to be looking to forward to easter but at the moment the thing im looking forward to most is knowing what happens. i am both longing to go home and dreading what may come of it. but whilst i ponder on the glorious confusion of life the clouds are forming and i must get myself to uni.

xx

i have under a week until my dissertation is due in, and one day left before i trek into town to get it bound and printed and all that palava, so much finish reading through it one last time today and hoping that my mother will also have read it before tomoro :s

i went home this weekend just gone, various ideas flung about between me and dan, including giving up, going on a break...have decided to stay together and see each other less. this i am glad about, i dont want to break up with him, i want this plan to work and i want it to work so badly that i am willing to do anything to try and help it. now that he doesnt phone me everyday, and now i text him less, when these things happen i can feel my heart beating faster...overly lovey dovey i know, but certainly true. i know that i love him, there is no doubt in my mind that this is true, i dont feel as on edge as i did last week, i dont cry at every moment and i can sleep through the night until a sensible hour of the morning, but im still treading on eggshells. i dont want to accidently go in to over kill and talk to him too much. i think im also worried about the weekend, after he told me that recently he has spent weekends being glad that im not there, which hurt because i never feel like that about him and always think my weekend would be better with him there. but i know deep down that this weekend should be fine, we both do whatever we want to do and then i go home next week and hopefully easter will be happy and fun and we can go on holiday at the end of it without worrying. that is what i want to happen, very very badly. i dont want us to end, it would be worse than when it ended last time, just keep trying and maybe, just maybe, everything will be ok.

xx

it has been a tough weekend. I waiting and waiting for thursday to arrive when i can go home and finally find out what is going on and whether i will still be with boyfriend at this time next week...which i really hope i will be. im finding it hard to sleep at the moment, and i think the two are related, that and not being able to concentrate for long periods of time...i think im going a little bit crazy. this whole thing just keeps reminding me about how it all happened last time and i hate the fact that i may be going through all that again. i cant do that again. i hate it all so much and the days just seem to be going slower and slower, which makes it harder and harder and i dont really know what to do with myself. i dont know how much i am allowed to text i feel as though im treading on eggshells and i just want to know. I want to know where i stand because im so confused right now. this is the only thing that is on my mind, which i know is selfish because of all the things he is going through, which is why i try and keep all the worrying to myself, hopefully this is not picked up on and he believes me to be acting normal...or as normal as possible.
i think i miss the phone calls more than i expected. i miss everything, i miss everything about what could be a normal relationship...it has never been normal, it has always been hard, emotional, draining but i love him more than anything in the world and that isn't going to change for me, even though it may for him.
all i can do is go with the flow, unfortunately i think it is flowing in a direction that i really dont want it to go.

xx

well this is my 200th post, after starting off writing something partially depressive, i have decided that this momentus occassion must be semi-cheerful!
my mother had planned my fathers life around me coming home today...funny thing being that im not coming home until next thursday!
im actually going out tonight, this may be rather good for me...we shall see. cheap cocktails, food, a bit of chit-chat...always nice.
i have kind of finished my dissertation, just have to go through it with a very fine toothcombe...yay!
planning on writing two essays this weekend to get them out of the way, also have to do a presentation today...eughph, need to plan that at lunchtime.
allllso MUST remember to send my mothers day card, need to get it out my drawer and into the open...so i remember!

umm so yes, that is my life as of now, problems do continue but i am reassured that they're not so much to do with me...hopefully this is correct!
xxx

well im on here writing things again...the days are most certainly dragging and it's only monday. maybe i need to spend more time in the gym or somewhere to take my mind of life as it is right now. well, due to the fact that i am once again writing something on my blog space can only mean one thing...i am not happy.
I was reading through my blogs the other day and was reading the quite amusing things i once wrote about and realised that this blog has changed over the past six years (yes, six years) from one of cheerful, happy, amusing, and maybe slightly childish thoughts, to more thoughtful, tearful and maybe slightly mind-numbing ramblings about REAL life. i thought that maybe, as they are my words, this must represent me. i went from happy and fulfilled to relatively empty within the space of six years - that is a stark realisation to be faced with.
It's been 4 days, and im longing (for various things). Longing very very hard and knowing that the days aren't going to be going any faster and i have to get through another weekend yet. nothing else seems to matter right now, im not even concerned about thursdays seminar, which i am leading, and that would usually frighten me. I think im moving through the days without really thinking about anything else. I very much hope for everything to be ok, and i cant discuss this with other people as im meant to be getting on with life and dealing with each day as it comes. And its my problem, my immediate problem, and it is just one extra thing to think about. it's not to do with other people who have happy lives of their own to lead.

im not really sure what to do at the moment. this time last year i would have gone for a walk around the lake in the sun and it would have made me feel better, as it always did. Part of me wants to be back in America because everything seemed to run smoother there and going home and seeing people were such a novelty that nothing ever went wrong. Im scared that I cant do reality, maybe im meant to live apart from people as this makes everything more exciting and interesting etc etc. but, i dont want it to be like that. I want it to be forever, and i really mean that.

Well, that's enough of my pointless writings for the day, i must go and read and see if i don't get a phone call at some point. i just want everything to be ok, because I don't know if I could deal with it otherwise,which is ridiculous i know, but unfortunately true.

x

im feeling down and out. couldn't sleep last night, cried a lot, and i think im ill. hhmmm not great on all accounts.

I got a phone call which i wasn't expecting telling me the fateful words...'we need to talk'. I hate these words, probably the four worst words in the history of the world. Well obviously they haven't settled too well with me. they are all i can now think about, which makes me want to cry again, and what is worse i must now continue as though everything is fine until i can go home and actually talk about this.
I wish i was home now to talk about it because the next two weeks are going to be long.
Im not sure why there should be a problem. I get angry for various reasons...i mainly get angry when ive been drinking but that is no excuse. I shouldn't get so wound up about things that are really not that important...im trying to write a dissertation, do two essays, do a presentation and do all the other work in between, whilst going to the gym, keeping myself fed and go home on the 18th. this is a lot for me and i am feeling the pressure, to be honest i wasn't a hundred percent happy before the phonecall last night because my brain is so full of everything that i couldn't even relax in the bath and had to get out in order to send a email and sort out the beginning of paragraph 3. But im trying so hard just to get on with it, even though i feel ill, i will not let this beat me. I also have to potentially go out next thursday despite the fact i have no money whatsoever and right now people are not what i need (but then a lot can change in a week). And then on top of all this i am leaving uni, moving back home and having to find a job. Im scared. im so scared. I am going to live with my parents but obviously cant do that forever. I want to live with dan but obviously we argue - probably because i dnt know what else to do right now. i cant tell him things because he has so much on his mind that it isn't fair. My life is perfect so why must i fight it all the time.
I text him this morning, hopefully will get a reply at some point. I love him more than anything in the world and i wish life could be so easy for that to just work without having to think about it. i think i get scared of the future and i want him to be my future so somewhere along the line this doesn't really work. eugh its so complicated in my head. im scared that im not what he wants which makes me upset because i want him - maybe it is thoughts like this which make me realise that we really need to talk more.

x