well the world apparently has a problem with me...
I do believe this is what one would call a 'fuck up' (quite literally). But after researching the moral highground I have decided that the low ground feels great and, much to everyone's annoyance, that is where I will be remaining.
Yes, so I care about what other people think, but I do believe that my own feelings are what matters most.
And maybe I feel a little crap at the moment but I don't think that has much to do with the sex, more to do everybody else having a go at me.

euuuuuuugh i think im frustrated...and more to the point, I've accidently gone and lost one of my fave pairs of underwear :( xx

just thought i would get a few things off my chest...
1. yes i have been 'seeing' dan again...when i say seeing i do not mean we went out on dates, we just went out, in a completely friend focused capacity and whether i want more than that or not, i will not be getting more than that, as I am fairly sure he does not want it.
2. yes i still have sex with him on occassion. i have absolutely no self-respect whatsoever...but then maybe i am ok with this, who am i to mess with fate??
3. alright, alright, so i may still be in love with him. this i cannot change. i believe i have got over feeling any sort of pain (except when im drunk), which i think is helped by the fact that sex and conversation is still on the menu...i know this is wrong and looks ridiculous but i cannot help how i feel.

As i read in my book today, you always fall for someone who you probably shouldn't i.e. Romeo and Juliet, i of course don't plan on killing myself for love, but i cant help but think, maybe i am sacrificing a life of love for someone who is as up and down as a kangaroo on crack...but, god help me for saying this, maybe there is a reason behind my madness. I do keep saying everything happens for a reason...but i shouldn't force the reason. I will now take a back seat for a while and wait and see. But maybe i should stop waiting, maybe i'm a fool for believing in something that probably is not even there.

xx

Happy New Year!

Oddly enough this is a blog which is not supposed to be focused around men, sex, love etc etc (which makes a change) rather it is focused on the New Year and its resolutions...when i say 'supposed', I mean it will probably end up focused on sex because, as you know, that does seem to be a large part of my blog life...i must point out her that my blog life does not accurately reflect what my whole life is about, i do not have some obsessive sex disorder...

anyway, resolutions:
1. find a boyfriend: obviously not just for sex purposes...I want to be hugged and hold someone's hand (ever the young romantic), I have also been thinking that within this new decade I would like to be heading towards marriage and babies...a boyfriend now may turn out useful later
2. get a job that i can deal with: a job that does not make me want to be violent...a job where I feel i can stay for longer than 6 months without feeling I am failing in life
3. Have career prospects....what do I want to do with my life, at the moment I have absolutely noooo clue, which in modern terms equates to 'bad times'.
4. gym three times a week...this should not be too difficult
5. dont let people annoy me too much...i will try not to care when i am left out of events due to my past relationship experiences and will continue to push for equal opportunities for all (all meaning both dan and myself)

I also should probably man up a bit, stop wanting to sleep with dan...a new year, new life rules. I may have slightly failed that one yesterday...i am most definitely a sucker for a nice compliment...despite the fact he had spent the night clinging on to a woman in a red dress. Ok ok, I slept with him, after two months of stopping myself from even trying, I slept with him and it felt good and it still felt normal...euuugh. And there was me thinking everything was turning out alright. I guess I just wanted to prove that although he was all over this red woman, I may still have a partial 'upper hand'.
The New Year's events also mean that I should be allowed to be all over someone in front of him in the future, which in my opinion, should prevent me from being left out of 'going out' experiences...but we shall see (resolution number 5 should not yet become redundant).

Well, I need to get up and eat and hop on my bike. It is rather cold outside...deary me.

Happy New Year xx