Still believe Me...?

I once received the best news...I hadn't lost my left ear afterall

Monday, April 21, 2008

Looking into Nothing

A blank hole; an empty thought. I sit and wait and wonder if I will ever feel as though what I am doing here is worth all that effort. The effort it takes to put up with doing nothing. I’m staring into a space that is yet to be filled with anything. That space is currently my life. My vacant life; desolate; relatively deserted. Am I not here? Maybe I’m just invisible…maybe I’m just worthless. Is there actually a point? I could be anywhere but here but I’m not. I made that decision, I was in control but my control dwindled and now I have a blank space – and that is all. There is a reason, there is a reason for everything; everything happens for a reason…I’m just yet to find it.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

procrastination...yes.....must do work must do work must do work.....
hhhmmm self-help is evidently not the way forward and what doesn't help is that one has a cold and the radio on internet is not working very gay.
all i wanted was to listen to the charts...eughph...well must do work must do work...
its only revision, i can force myself into liking revision....
maybe this cup of coffee will help me find some work related yearnings!!

Friday, April 18, 2008

the first friday in a long time that I haven't been out or have been doing something...
already feel the desire for a social life - and lonliness is a hard thing to ignore when people start pointing it out.
No I can't go out as there is no one to go with (granted I could have gone to Ocean with various people but I don't get invited because I tend not to talk to these people). I am waiting for a day when my course friends are free...that will be next friday afternoon...and we can sit in mooch for many an hour slowly getting a bit tipsy on cheap cider!!
that is the day I am waiting for...that is the only day I can see before I go home that I will be doing something vaguely exciting.
Something hurts just a little bit when you know you are completely and utterly alone, especially when over Easter i was with a friend almost every day (and if not a friend at least there were some family members to talk to). I hate the lonliness....people ask me how i manage to get so much work done - there is no one to distract me and nothing else for me to do.
I can't wait to go home, I can't wait to have a change of scenery..I'm hoping my American University experience will throw up a few more positive things than my northern one.
I have to keep reminding myself...four weeks of hell and it will all be over..and there was me thinking I would hoping the weeks would go slowly...
I wish I felt more secluded than isolated

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

it has got to that time of year when 'doing something constructive' is more of a passing comment than a reality.
I am sat here looking through every possible source of internet related entertainment to try and take my mind off the fact that I have a lot of work to do.
I should possibly start revising - or at least learning of the things I am meant to revise. I could also be finishing my essay, reading one of several books, generally doing anything that in the long run will help get me a degree.
What happened to my umph, my stamina, my ability to work late into the evening and not get bored...Easter happened. I blame everything on Easter and the prospect of a fun filled summer and the antipation that comes when one is to leave the country.
I need to realise that genius does not appear on its own. I need to sort myself out...get a bit of meaning behind me. I need to be realistic, level headed and hard-working, not blasé, uncommited and disillusioned. Life is what you make it and so far I am making it a farce - I need to be kicked into gear. My yearning for success and happiness will not be made without a bit of kicking (and the odd cup of coffee)...

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I thought I would tell you about my hectic life at uni so far...i have been here two days and have already been dragged to the drs to get the morning after pill. unfortunately i have recently been a bit of an idiot and haven't really thought through the consequences of my actions, which i am willing to put my hands up to and admit. I just didn't know how to get around the lack of condom thing. that may sound ridiculous and i know i should just have come out and said 'what the fuck do you think you are playing at' but its not as easy as it sounds. I trust him, I really do, but my 'closed book' functions still remain relatively closed despite being a lot more readable than i used to be. i started to once again get in too deep but after two days at uni without any form of contact i feel fine (which has actually suprised me) but i have come to the conclusion that i cannot do sex without feeling (particularly with someone who i actually have feelings for in the first place).
why is everything so hard? a random topic of convo this easter has regularly been 'can you see yourself living with me/having children with me/being married to me' - what the hell is he on about...seriously men are weird (im just hoping after the lack of baby prevention issue X several times is not an indicator of wanting a baby asap)
eugh well anyway...Easter was generally eventful (as per usual) my social life/sex life etc is always one to provide scandal. part of me is hoping that all of this is not just a very large waste of my time. maybe something is to come of it...maybe that sounds desperate? its not meant to's a serious question. Am I wasting my time falling for the same person each and every moment I spend with them (no lie) or is it going to benefit my life in the long run? if only I could get out my chrystal ball and have a little gaze into the future to see where i will be in two years time...but then i suppose lifes mysteries would all be solved and there would be nothing to worry about....
as the Chinese saying goes 'happiness doesn't come from happiness' - it comes from hard work and dire situations...

Sunday, April 06, 2008

There are very few people in the world who I get annoyed at but seriously one person inparticular at the moment is not on top of my favourites list. I actually think there is some form of hatred for this person..which is highly unlike me but heyho one must get on with it and hope that maybe she falls off the face of the earth, thank god im leaving the country.
talking about leaving the country, it is not long until i take to the skies and move across the pond (so to speak). Terrifying does not cover. I am genuinely scared that this is my last week at home before the summer and the summer for me will not be a regular holiday. in other words, this is the last week of my final regular holiday until i leave. eugh, scary stuff. i think i just want to get the leaving part over and done with as i am in anticipation as to how it will pan out.
hhmmm anyway, enough of such thoughts.
My ban on sexytime has been lifted...bloody hell, i seriously have no self-restraint. Give me a bottle or 5 of wine and im seriously anybody's sexytime participator (and when i say anybody's, well you know what i mean).
I should probably go and hop in the bath and then get dressed as it is 2pm. I shall then get on with doing more work. I will plan my essay today and write 500 words tomorrow. Eugh, its killing me here!!!
write soon!!